Thursday, March 11, 2010


We are taught to study hard to get good result since we are very young. Those dads who are blue-collared always advise their kids to study hard so that they do not need to work under the scorching hot sun, they do not need to do heavy work, all they need to do is just to hold pen working in air-conditional room.

I had this kind of concept of studying very hard to get excellent results to be somebody when I was in secondary school. I was only on cloud-nine for three days though I got so called flying colors in my SPM. I was interviewed and was on newspaper. People admired me, people praised me, people uplifted me, people assured me of my future, etc. I was nearly conned! Things are not that simple and glorious, I believe.

Then when I was in foundation, I kept asking people around me how long do we need to study hard more to actually reap the so-called harvest? We are asked to study hard in primary school to get into a branded secondary school, and study hard in secondary school to get scholarship into a prestigious university, and study hard in university to get a good job. The chain never ends. Perhaps it ends when you get your first pathetic RM1800 job. You sell your soul, you sell your life, you sell your dignity, etc... When you complain or confide this in your parents or older people, they will say, well, this is life, not selling your soul, it is to mold you; not selling your life, this is for your survival; not selling your dignity, this is to cool down your bad-temper.... I then got the so-called answer from the Lord one day. I don't know if the world is too strong and pull me down again. For the Lord, everything now is just temporary, if we do things according to His will, we will be very grateful and graceful in our living. Well, I don't know how true it is, or is there any implicit meaning, I just feel that if we don't do something glorious, our life is quite wasted.

I don't know if I should be happy for those who get straight As in their SPM today and don't know their direction in life. Well, we say in life, we are exploring, we then are slowly maneuvering towards our destination. Perhaps, we might one day just get settled because of our family and our destination ends. We just work hard to make the destination a better place. I don't know if this kind of maneuvering suits me. When I thought I have quite mature thinking (this is always assured by people until I have to admit), but seriously I hate to have this kind of self-assurance, because right now, I deeply know I lack of competence in many things. Well, I am not any prestigious award scholar, I am not any youngest fellow in professional body, I am not this and that. At the end, maybe I can only say I am just a kid of God (should I be proud of this and forget everything else?) I don't know...

To be a driver can be quite tiring sometimes, because you have to keep yourself alert and responsible for the journey; to be a passenger can be quite boring and suffering sometimes, because you can only sleep, look out from the window and throw up out of sickness of motion. In life, how many times, how long are we a driver, and how many times, how long are we a passenger?

I am quite struggling seeing people around me lackadaisical (well, I am in that category quite some time from time to time too); I am quite angry seeing unfairness overwhelming in this world; I am quite tired of thinking how to help people but find myself should be the one to be helped;

I am quite sinful of writing all this =P

Monday, March 8, 2010

Dreadful Ordeal

Saturday night I slept at 12 something after back from Sunway. Since I had assignment to rush for, I woke up at 6am the next morning.

However, I saw a message from a very old secondary schoolmate of mine addressing herself (since we never contact like since form 3) and telling me she heard news about my dad and asked me how was my dad. I felt a big shot of adrenaline rushing down my spine. I just talked with my mom on Friday night, and she didn't mention anything about my dad's problem. I started to imagine wildly. Bad scenes kept pulling me from my attempt to focus on the assignment.

I then "analyzed" if my friend was pranking on me since we have not contacted for a long time, and she is not a close friend of mine. But hapless tragedies kept gnawing me. I called and messaged my sisters but they didn't answer me. I dare not call my parents at that hour since it is still early. I actually even thought of calling my cousin to see if she knows this.

Anyhow, I went back bedroom to try put myself asleep. It was a horrible and terrifying sleep! For the three hours, I had night mares non-stop on mishaps happened to my dad and mom. The mishaps were truly driving me to the hell! I was very frigtened until I was awakened and had a serious headache when I woke up.

I then called my dad and mom, still no picking up. After few minutes, I called my friend, and she told me about my dad was robbed etc, then I induced that she was referring to my uncle. My mom told me about the dreadful incident on Friday night already. Then few minutes later my dad called me telling me he is okay and puzzled why I called him so early in the morning. My mom then called me, they were worried about me, since my sisters told them I called them too at 6am. I then told my mom what had happened etc. And my mom was "scolding" me how foolish I was. If anything happens, she or my family member will surely inform me.

After the incident, I was very "angry" as I felt I was pranked and I suffered mental torture for no reason! I complained to my good friends about this incident! They too helped me throwing out all the F words! *grins*

Until now I still cannot find a reason for my friend to do so other than concern. But even if it is, she can just confirm the incident from my friend, most probably my best friend in hometown. I think, normally for us, we won't go directly to the victim to ask for the updates of any accident/mishap right since we are not closed with the victim. Besides, I don't give my this digi number to any not close friends, so the source she got it is also puzzling. I truly don't understand!

This incident told me I need to handle this kind of thing rationally; my EQ is too low, especially dealing things related with my family. I then recalled, when I was small, my mom kept reminding me not to believe any stranger telling me my parents were having accident and admitted to hospital, and wanna fetch me to hospital. It was when kidnapping was prevailing. How foolish I am!