Crap

We are taught to study hard to get good result since we are very young. Those dads who are blue-collared always advise their kids to study hard so that they do not need to work under the scorching hot sun, they do not need to do heavy work, all they need to do is just to hold pen working in air-conditional room.

I had this kind of concept of studying very hard to get excellent results to be somebody when I was in secondary school. I was only on cloud-nine for three days though I got so called flying colors in my SPM. I was interviewed and was on newspaper. People admired me, people praised me, people uplifted me, people assured me of my future, etc. I was nearly conned! Things are not that simple and glorious, I believe.

Then when I was in foundation, I kept asking people around me how long do we need to study hard more to actually reap the so-called harvest? We are asked to study hard in primary school to get into a branded secondary school, and study hard in secondary school to get scholarship into a prestigious university, and study hard in university to get a good job. The chain never ends. Perhaps it ends when you get your first pathetic RM1800 job. You sell your soul, you sell your life, you sell your dignity, etc... When you complain or confide this in your parents or older people, they will say, well, this is life, not selling your soul, it is to mold you; not selling your life, this is for your survival; not selling your dignity, this is to cool down your bad-temper.... I then got the so-called answer from the Lord one day. I don't know if the world is too strong and pull me down again. For the Lord, everything now is just temporary, if we do things according to His will, we will be very grateful and graceful in our living. Well, I don't know how true it is, or is there any implicit meaning, I just feel that if we don't do something glorious, our life is quite wasted.

I don't know if I should be happy for those who get straight As in their SPM today and don't know their direction in life. Well, we say in life, we are exploring, we then are slowly maneuvering towards our destination. Perhaps, we might one day just get settled because of our family and our destination ends. We just work hard to make the destination a better place. I don't know if this kind of maneuvering suits me. When I thought I have quite mature thinking (this is always assured by people until I have to admit), but seriously I hate to have this kind of self-assurance, because right now, I deeply know I lack of competence in many things. Well, I am not any prestigious award scholar, I am not any youngest fellow in professional body, I am not this and that. At the end, maybe I can only say I am just a kid of God (should I be proud of this and forget everything else?) I don't know...

To be a driver can be quite tiring sometimes, because you have to keep yourself alert and responsible for the journey; to be a passenger can be quite boring and suffering sometimes, because you can only sleep, look out from the window and throw up out of sickness of motion. In life, how many times, how long are we a driver, and how many times, how long are we a passenger?

I am quite struggling seeing people around me lackadaisical (well, I am in that category quite some time from time to time too); I am quite angry seeing unfairness overwhelming in this world; I am quite tired of thinking how to help people but find myself should be the one to be helped;

I am quite sinful of writing all this =P